I think I only go to buy myself time. For every week that I'm away, an accumulation of guilt, worry and absence grows inside me. What if it's all changed? If she can't walk anymore or has become new and happy and energetic and I'm missing it? Thousands of potential tragedies and mini joys. I used to be so incredibly in-tune. I carried her illness for her and it almost killed me. I'm still carrying it so i know I can't do that again. But what I get instead is a profound uselessness. She used to need my intuition and the millions of ways I found to talk her into the shower once a week. Now all she needs can be paid for by Joel.

The most useful I've felt lately is a couple months ago I came to visit in the early evening- 5 or 6pm. And they were already getting her ready for bed. They had pulled the mattress off the bed and onto the floor so she doesn't fall off. She was sitting up on the edge of the bed, facing a mirror but not looking into it. Is this how they do it? I know she takes a bunch of sleeping pills which only work for a few hours before she gets up to pace around her bedroom until morning. I came in and sat next to her, slightly behind her and held her a little bit, rubbing her back and squeezing her shoulders a bit. She relaxed, letting some of her wight fall back onto me which almost pushed me down. I sang her lullaby very softly, ones she sang to me but I don't remember the lyrics and she can't recite them to me now. That is one of the biggest losses for me- my own childhood memories. Details I would like to ask her about are gone. And it was just her and me for so many years. There are no witnesses to us growing up together. Her a young single mother (younger than I am now), making it up as we went.

Slowly she let me pull her back to lay down completely (although her feet are still hanging off the foot of the bed). She closes her eyes buy never stops moving her hands, gently pulling at her clothes, nervous energy trying to smooth something away. I lay next to her stroking her hair until she sleeps. All of my friends have toddlers and I imagine that they all must be putting them to sleep in the same way right now.

It was a good visit because I was useful and I did something you can't buy. The women who care for her couldn't believe she was asleep so soon. Usually she paces around for hours before sleeping, they said.

I can't believe my mother has to sleep alone every night. A woman so fun, beautiful and loved.